I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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