census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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