I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
not ubering you a puppy
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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