Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I love you.
Bad choice
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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