i think i have two assholes
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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