Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
