I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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