Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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