i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
