Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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