I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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