This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
