Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
