I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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