Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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