Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize