Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
