Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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