Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize