Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
