I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
