I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
