my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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