No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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