So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
