Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
