My first STD was from a foam party
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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