did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
