the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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