this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
