I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
