its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize