That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she woke up with a sticky ear
my sisters under your porch take her home
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
