I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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