I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
