His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize