There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
