she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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