I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize