so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
