YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize