Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
