who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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