please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
