I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize