when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
