My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
