Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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