I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
