I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
