after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
