Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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