Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
