I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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