I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
