I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize