He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
