I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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