Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
