I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I would fuck him just for his dog
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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