god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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