The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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