Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
All I want is dick and wine.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
