that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
