new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
