If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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